7500 4/19

When we walked in, I realized I gravely underestimated the size of the party… there was at least 200 people here.  Veronica and the triplets went straight to the middle of the house to probably find the kitchen where the liquor was. Ryan, Miranda, and I went downstairs to talk to some of our other friends and meet people. Chase disappeared into the abyss of people, and frankly I was glad he did. As we were walking downstairs I notice in the corner of my eye JJ Best approaching me.


“Finally, another black guy here. I thought we were the only one,” JJ said as 3 of his other friends emerged from behind him.


“Haha yeah, I know right? It’s good seeing you,” I replied with a fake laugh.


I like JJ normally during school but I hate how when I see him at parties he tries to put me in a box. I feel like he almost wants me to be restricted to only hanging out with him and whatever other black guy that is there. I understand where he’s coming from though, I guess the subtly racist comments made by our peers get to him. Where he feels so alienated he has to cling on to other black people who experience the same sort of vague degradation. I honestly I just don’t care, and I’m not going to spend my time sitting in the corner feeling angry about it. Sorry, not sorry JJ.


“Where are you guys about to go,” JJ asked.


Oh boy, here we go.


“Yeah, I don’t really know. But I’m about to use the restroom so excuse me fellas,” I dismissed.


I lied.


“Oh…alright. I’ll see you around later though Axel,” JJ asked innocently.


“Yeah, hopefully,” I said as I escaped to the bathroom.

I felt horrible. JJ wasn’t a bad kid, he was actually a really nice person. It’s hard for him to make friends around here because he’s really dark and tall and I think he looks intimidating to all the preppy kids in Stockton who have only seen black people on the news doing criminal things. Maybe he didn’t persist for my company to unite us against all the white people we were surrounded by. Rather he saw me as a door of connection to them. My door was locked with the key thrown.


In the bathroom, I sent a half coherent dizzying text to Veronica asking where she was and she just sent back two bottle emojis with a blush face emoji indicating liquor. I assumed she was either too intoxicated to respond with full sentences or too preoccupied flirting. Or both.
“Hey, Axel, you good man? C’mon I’m ready to go downstairs,” Ryan said hastily.


I noticed Miranda was absent.


“Did Miranda leave,” I asked softly.


“Yeah dude, she got tired of waiting, she said to meet her downstairs,” Ryan informed me.


We walked down only to be blinded by the masses of people who were talking, drinking, smoking, hooking up, and playing drinking games. Sarah’s basement is fairly large but it was no match for the hundred people huddled from the staircase to the back wall.


There was three adjacent pong tables set up to play three different drinking games. The first, which had the most amount of people was beer pong. Beer pong basically consisted of 10 red solo cups with beer on both sides that are shaped into an ascending triangle. The objective of the game was to have you and your partner throw a pong ball once at a time into your opponent’s cups causing them to drink the beer in the cup. The winner is the duo that finishes off all the remaining cups in the opponent’s triangle. Rules may consist of no elbows over the edge of the ping pong table, bouncing pong balls will result in two cups collected, and you may attempt to blow your opponents shot out the cup if it doesn’t hit the liquid. 


On the second ping pong table was slap cup. Knockout is a game similar to the basketball version where two teams have two competing players shooting ping pong balls into how ever many red solo cups you desire, usually 5, and after one player makes a cup they have to drink a corresponding cup to move on to the subsequent cups. When one player finishes their row of cups their partner is at the end of the row and starts their turn. The first team to make and drink all cups wins.


The last of the three drinking games had the least amount of people and no ping pong balls. Instead, they played a game much like the popular card game, BS. Five people are dealt the deck evenly and put down cards face down in chronological order starting with the ace. You can put down whatever card or cards you want but if someone calls “BS” and you put down a card that doesn’t correspond to it’s numerical order in the game then you have to drink the contents in your cup and take all the cards in the deck. On the flipside, if the person who calls “BS” is wrong then they have to drink the contents of their cup and assume all of the cards. The game has a winner when somebody loses all of their cards.


I saw Chase at the third table smiling from ear to ear with about a million cards in his hand screeching out “bullshit!” at almost every turn. I suddenly felt good we decided to bring him along, he truly looked like he was having the time of his life.


Ryan and I got engaged into a conversation intermingled with his baseball friends and some football players that were around. They were exchanging sex stories that for a minute peaked my interest and made me laugh. The stories were fueled with meaningful dialogue, interesting plot developments, absurdist humor, and suspenseful climaxes that garnered a huge drunk sailor-like laugh from me. When the baseball and football players noticed my ears suddenly got warm red as I was now the subject of conversation.


“Woah is that Axel Martin, how are you dude,” One of the football players asked nicely.


“I’m good man, thanks for asking, just applying to colleges you know,” I replied.


“You bang that Miranda chick yet,” another football player asked as he dry humped the air.


My ears were now red hot in a mix of embarrassment, shame, and a little bit of anger. I have never heard anyone refer to Miranda in such vulgar terms. Don’t get me wrong, Miranda is a very attractive girl but I felt she deserved more than to get “banged”.


“Uh.. I..,” I struggled to respond.


“Take it easy, Mike, that’s just Axel’s friend,” Ryan stepped up.


“I mean why not? She has some absolutely gorgeous breasts,” Mike said as he cupped his hands around his chest to indicate boobs.


Now I was blatantly angry. Miranda didn’t deserve this bozo making all types of crude jokes about Miranda. She was probably the most wholesome girl I’ve ever known. Even if I was sexually involved with Miranda, I would never let this clown talk down on her and treat her like an object. I stepped up to the Mike and felt myself ready to fight.


“Oh wait nevermind! Check it out, she’s hooking up with Nick,” Mike said as he pointed out Miranda sloppily making out with another football player. 


“Oh shit…,” Ryan said shocked.


All the anger inside of me vanished down a dark hole in the center of my stomach. I felt the world moving as my face turned bright red and my head spun. I didn’t know why I felt like this. But I found myself in an immovable stare as I watched her tongue twist and turn while it intermingled with his. It resembled one of those inflatable wacky air dancers you see at car dealerships. She had one leg in the air as his hands were all over her body like he was trying to cover every last bit over her body. The air felt suffocating with every breath I choked up. Why was I feeling this way, I asked myself. Miranda and I weren’t dating nor did I have feelings, I thought. We had been friends forever and seeing her kissing this guy destroyed me, so I ran.
“Axel! Wait up, where are you going,” Ryan called after me as I escaped the basement.


On my way out of leaving I ran into Chase who was way too intoxicated. He fell in my arms and told me to get him some water. So I dragged him out of the the crowd and set him down on a unused staircase away from everyone.


“Axel, I..I..I just want say, I just want to say… thank you. For all of what you do,” Chase expressed drunkenly.


I saw a little bit of vomit on Chase’s shirt so I took it off of him and replaced it with my T-shirt so he wouldn’t get nauseous.


“Axel, I’m so sorry about this… please forgive me. You have been the best friend I ever had,”  Chase kept on talking.


“It’s okay, I’m just making sure you’re good man, don’t worry about,”  I assured Chase.


As I left to get Chase cranberry juice, he sat up and looked at me. With the most glaringly depressed and serious eyes he talked to me as straight as he could drunkenly muster.


“Look at me for a second… don’t let me kill myself. You won’t let me die will you,” Chase asked painfully.


“Um… I won’t Chase, just stay here, okay? I’ll be back, don’t worry,” I said nervously.


I didn’t know what Chase meant by that and I started to get seriously concerned. So I decided to try and find Veronica while I went to the kitchen to get cranberry juice.         As I rushed into the kitchen I bumped into the triplets.


“Oh my God Axel, we’ve been looking for you. Veronica is so drunk and she’s been saying she wants you,” Tiffany said looking concerned.


“What?! She wants me? Like… sexually,” I asked very confused..


“I don’t know you should just go see her now,” Tiffany said in panic.


Tiffany, Trinity, Taylor and I went searching for a drunk, lost, and probably wandering Veronica in the incredibly large house sifting through crowds of people while the blaring music was so loud that it somehow impaired our vision. Or maybe, it was just the eight shots of vodka I had in my system.


After at least 10 minutes of aimless searching we decided to ask JJ if he saw Veronica anywhere.
“Last I saw, she was in the kitchen drinking out of the Tito’s handle and then she went upstairs throwing up in the bathroom, but after that I don’t know,” JJ told us.


“How long ago was that,” I asked JJ.


“About 30 minutes ago,” JJ told me.


“Okay, thank you bud,” I said as the triplets and I headed upstairs to the bathroom.


Sure enough, Veronica was still there sitting on the ground with her cat makeup smeared and her face looked really distressed. The triplets stayed at the door and looked in awe as I went over and kneeled down right besides her and her eyes immediately lit up.


“Axel! Thank you for coming, I need you right now. I’m just such a mess,” Veronica said with her eyes swelling up.


“No, you’re okay. Just relax and take deep breaths,” I calmed.


“I think I need to tell you something,” Veronica said drunkenly.


“Okay, go ahead I’m listening,” I said.


We all paused for a moment when we heard footsteps running up the stairs with the same anxiety as Chase Lentil. That’s when I realized I forgot about Chase downstairs. My internal panicked was overshadowed by the pace of the footsteps coming upstairs.


“Somebody’s about to kill themselves! Come down right now,” an unknown person screeched.


All 5 of us rushed downstairs and followed the unknown messenger to a crowd of people moving outside to follow the commotion of a lone person on the roof claiming they were going to kill themself.  When the triplets, Veronica, and I got outside we lost the messenger but saw Ryan and Miranda outside standing in confusion.


“Axel! There you are… where have you been?! I’ve been looking all over for you,” Miranda exclaimed.


“Oh were you now,” I snarled.


Miranda stood there shocked at my response with her mouth wide open. I don’t think she’s ever seen me respond so snarky in her life. I don’t even know why I was so snarky. I had no real right to be snarky.


“Who is on the roof? Can anybody see who it is,” Ryan said at an attempt of diffusing the tension.


We all squinted at a figure on the roof pacing around but none of us could make out who the person was. We were surrounded by murmurs from about a hundred people whispering about who the person on the roof was. Then, the figure got closer and closer and I could finally make out who the person was… it was Chase Lentil.


        “CHASE… CHASE… look at me, it’s Axel,” I screamed and emerged from the crowd.


        Chase started walking towards me as the crowd of people let out a shocking gasp. Chase had the gloomiest face I’ve ever seen as he looked at me on type of the roof.


        “Get down from there! What are you doing,” I said firmly.


        “Yeah dork, get off the roof. You’re ruining the party,” Mike the football player said as he looked around for somebody to high five.


        Nobody high fived him.


        “There’s no point Axel,” Chase said while looking down.


        “No point in what, what are you talking about,” I snapped.


        “No point in me, no point in living like this,” Chase elaborated.


        “Living like what Chase? You have a beautiful life,” I yelled back.


        At this point in the exchange, everyone’s attention was centered on Chase and I. Everyone looked at us and I felt things starting to escalate.


        “I exist in a bubble. A bubble in which nobody can hear me, nobody can see me, and nobody can touch me. I am invisible, Axel. I don’t know what I did to deserve this. Who determined that I would be alienated from everyone. I have no friends, no talents, no quirks, no girlfriend, nothing. See you wouldn’t get it because you have it all Axel. You’re incredibly smart, you are a nationally recognized young poet, you have amazing friends, you socialize easily with other people, you even bowl, and you have a sweet loving family that cares and cherishes you. You think I wanted this life? You think I wanted to live my entire life wishing I had the ability to even talk to your friend Veronica, let alone hangout with her everyday. Why did God even make me if he wanted me to live outside of society inside a bubble. Maybe, I am supposed die. Maybe, God made me to kill myself for empathy boosts for people like you Axel. You don’t think I know why you snuck me into this party? Spoiler alert, it wasn’t for me Axel. It was for you. So how about you shut your patronizing mouth, and collect your pity points.”

5000 4/08

Journal Entry 151
Axel Martin
10/29/2016
6:04PM
Dad.
I don’t know why people pity me when I tell them that I don’t talk to or see my dad.
I don’t care. He left when I was so young it really didn’t affect me. Plus, what actually do I need him for? I have a mom that has a secure job and is a healthy functioning parent. Sure, I don’t see her a lot but it’s not like we would hang out all the time if I did. I just don’t understand the need for him. Yeah sure, I get curious about him sometimes. But I’m not going to go out and play Finding Steve… the guy is an asshole. Don’t know him, don’t care. He absolutely was enamored with my mom since high school. Until once he hit college two years earlier than my mom, he split with her. Real romantic, Steve. We all know why you broke up with her just before entering college. Coincidentally enough he finally decided he knew what he wanted just as she entered college and he was close to finishing. They were together for six years before they decided to get married. Around the same time he starts to become a big deal for his literature and poetry. Two years after that they have me, and at 30 he decides he wants to reinvent his life. Really Steve? Of course, you do. The timing seems convenient for you, you have a bestselling book and a newborn son. Now is the time to leave a whole family behind in Stockton, Illinois while you go to New York City to do God knows what… Fuck you. I’m glad you’re not around. But I’d be lying to say I care enough to be mad at you. The “fuck you” is just for my mom who happens to care about you a lot more than I did. For breaking her heart,  I hope you rot in hell. For me, I couldn’t care less if you were the president of the United States or a dead hobo in the streets of Manhattan. How could I? How could you love or hate somebody you didn’t know. My grandma sometimes tells me that she sees a lot of you in me when my mom isn’t around. I disagree. I read your books, Steve. And frankly they’re not as good as everyone says. They’re alright, but mine will be better. I promise you that. I’m smarter than you, I’ll be better at writing than you, and I’ll be twice the man you’ll ever be and I mean that. How about that Steve? Sound good to you, father?
Fin
Axel Martin
7:13 PM


Here for a Good Time, Not a Long Time
“Are we going to Sarah’s halloween party tonight… I heard it’s going to be HUGE,” Veronica said excitedly.


Veronica loved parties and this wasn’t any different. Personally, Miranda and I planned to go to the museum and I preferred to do that. Although… at the same time, I wasn’t opposed to a little partying.


“I know Miranda wanted to go to the museum or something today but I really wanna go. I heard at least a hundred people were showing up. I mean it’s not like one of MY parties, but that seems super fun,” Veronica emphasized.


“No, I’ll go. I like parties,” Miranda corrected.


“I thought you and Axel were going to the museum tonight,” Ryan reminded Miranda.


Miranda gave me a look that said she had to prove something. I don’t know why she had to prove to Veronica that she could go to some stupid halloween party.
“Nah, it’s alright. We can go another time, this seems like it’ll be a good time,” I said.


“Good! So it’s decided, we all are going to Sarah’s halloween party. It’s 4:30 so I think I can find some costumes by the 8 comes around,” Veronica said cheerfully.


“...Costumes? Seriously, what are we five,” Miranda said sheepishly.


“Oh please, Miranda! Everyone will be wearing one,” Veronica pleaded.


Miranda just rolled her eyes. I could tell this was starting to be unfun for her already. To be fair though, if everyone was wearing costumes, it’d be weird if we weren’t wearing costumes. I think that was irrelevant to Miranda though. Usually she enjoys going to parties and doing this silly type of stuff like dressing up for halloween. I think she’s just a little off because our plans changed to doing this party. We went to Veronica’s house from Ryan’s to find costumes. When we got there, I noticed there was maids while the house was sparkly clean. That was odd, and Veronica didn't even seem to notice. I guess that was common for her. When Veronica’s dad saw us, he sent them home. Promptly after he gave us a quick formal but cordial greeting, and left the house. Veronica didn’t even look at him once, maybe she was too concerned about getting us costumes.


“Okay Ryan, I think you’d look absolutely perfect in this Mario costume, try it on,” Veronica said with a smile.


“This is dope Veronica, thanks,” Ryan said with a half smile.
I don’t think he would’ve cared what she pulled out. She could have pulled out a milk carton costume, and Ryan would’ve been excited to try it on. Ryan always seems like he’s satisfied with everything. However, the Mario costume did look awesome on him.


“Anddd for Miranda! Here’s a very cute pumpkin costume for you to wear,” Veronica said excitedly.


“Um… A pumpkin? Really, you want me to wear that,” Miranda sounded annoyed this time.


“Woah, since when did Miranda Frost get so concerned about what she wore… Plus this is cute, it fits your personality! But if you have a problem, choose your own. I have plenty,” Veronica compromised.


Honestly, I didn’t know what the big deal was. In my opinion, Miranda would look cute in the pumpkin costume. I mean, she’d look good in whatever she showed up as. Ever since we decided to go to this party instead of the museum she has been very easily irritated and I was starting to get concerned for her. I contemplated suggesting to her about just going to the museum and drop the whole thing. But at this point, I was excited to go now. 


“No, it’s okay. I’ll just wear this whatever,” Miranda said sheepishly again.


“Great! I’ll wear this slutty cat outfit and Axel can be Batman,” Veronica said dismissively.


We put on our costumes while Veronica just put on ‘cat makeup’ for the most part. Her cat costume consisted of black fishnet tights, a black high-waisted bikini bottom, a metal ring black bandeau, drawn on whiskers, a drawn on nose, detachable cat ears, and a long black tail that I still have no clue how it was connected.


“By the way, Tiffany, Taylor, and Trinity are coming over at 7 to pregame and we’ll uber from here,” Veronica said while finishing her makeup.


Tiffany, Taylor, and Trinity were triplets that were known for being the most stuck up, spoiled, annoying group of girls you could imagine. Basically they’re Veronica times about a million. Veronica definitely had a few snobbish traits about her but she was nowhere like the triplets. At least Veronica was smart, hardworking, not shallow, and had at least some awareness of her privilege. These girls are the worst and going to the party was at the very least of my interests.


“Oh no… Veronica please don’t, I know you like those girls but I don’t think I can handle another story of…  ‘When Tiffany got totally sooo drunk in Jamaica that she like threw up all over the beach,’” Miranda said mocking the triplets.




Ryan laughed and continued mocking the triplets.


“No, more like… ‘Oh my God that one time Taylor got sooo drunk and asked if a real cop was a male stripper.’”


Now I couldn’t help myself. I had to chime in.


“Guys it’s… ‘Remember when Trinity got sooo drunk that she called 20 Ubers at Times Square because she didn’t know what a Honda accord looks like.’”


Needless to say, we didn’t really like the triplets. Nor were we excited for them to come. Trinity once told me that she only orders Uber XL even when she’s alone because “it’s easier to identify the cars.” That’s what we’re dealing with here.     


“Well, they’re bringing the vodka for the pregame and they’re ordering the Uber for us... So they’re coming, alright?” Veronica snapped fast.


“Oh no Veronica, in that case I’ll just drive. We don’t need to Uber, I don’t even want to drink that bad,” Ryan pleaded with Veronica.


“You’re definitely drinking tonight Ryan, loosen up. It’s a party. You can deal with the triplets for about half an hour. Plus, currently, I have no alcohol on me and even though you plan on abstaining from drinking, I plan on doing just the opposite,” Veronica said firmly.


“Okay, whatever, well in that case I guess I will drink,” Ryan forfeited.


“Great! It’s a party, you should indulge a little bit,” Veronica said cheerfully.


Veronica loves drinking, I mean we all participate in that stuff… but not like Veronica. Over the years the amount she drinks has increased while the frequency remains fairly constant. Miranda and Ryan both drink less than me, though. So I guess I don’t have much room to criticize Veronica. And with that, Miranda and Ryan equally smoke more marijuana than Veronica and I. I guess we all have our vices. Veronica’s just feels more perverse and I don’t know why.


“Oh my God… you three look absolutely gorgeous,” Veronica exclaimed while opening up the door for the triplets.


To my expectations they all came dressed as Playboy bunnies. I think it was a nod to the Dahmn triplets. Which would make sense because that’s exactly who they remind me of. When they came in they were super nice to all of us there. Sometimes I wonder why we make fun of them so much in private. It’s superficial kindness, but at least they bother to make an effort.
        After a couple of rounds of shots they started sending me a heavy load of questions over the blaring house surround sound speakers Veronica set up in the background.


        “So Axel, you’re like a writer,” Tiffany asked.


        “No Tiff, he’s a poet,” Taylor corrected.


        “It’s okay, they’re like the same thi–,” I started to say before Trinity cut me off.


        “I thought he was bowler,” Trinity added.


        “He does all of those things,” Miranda shout out.


        “Oh that’s neat, we write a little bit too on our blog,” Trinity said.


        “Yeah, but mostly we just vlog because we don’t really have the time for it,” Trinity added.


        This was getting increasingly boring, and I was too drunk to act like I actually cared in the slightest. So, I just kept smiling and nodding and waited for them to stop talking. Veronica and Miranda left to camp out in Veronica’s room to “get ready” and stuck Ryan and I with the triplets. I think Veronica truly did just want them to come over for the alcohol. I mean, ever since  we finished drinking she has been completely absent. Really the only time in recent memory Miranda and her have gotten along for a long period of time.


        “Axel, have you applied to any colleges yet,” Taylor asked.


        “Yeah, I have submitted my applications to Princeton, Cornell, and University of Chicago. I’m still working on my Yale essay though,” I responded.


        “Woah those are really smart colleges, Axel, congratulations,” Trinity said with sincerity.


“Thank you,” I replied.


“We want to go to Arizona State,” Tiffany said as they all nodded.


“Oh, that’s cool for what,” Ryan asked curiously.


“We don’t know yet… but their parties are super crazy,” Trinity said as they all nodded again.


Ryan and I just paused for a minute and looked at them, until I broke the silence with a fake seal of approval, “wow, that sounds great guys!”
Just as I was contemplating going to the party with Ryan on my own, Miranda and Veronica emerged from her bedroom and instructed the triplets to order an Uber. Per usual, they ordered an Uber XL that pulled up to Veronica’s house. The Uber was a 2016 Lexus LX which had just enough room to carry all seven of us. I was shocked considering that this was just a 15 minute ride and the Uber was $65. I guess it was nothing to the triplets as they just drunkenly flirted with the driver the whole way and calling out things that they noticed out the window. I was still thinking about Miranda leaving Ryan and I with the triplets to suffer alone but I agreed to let it go because at least Miranda was getting along with Veronica. Plus, Miranda looked so damn cute with that pumpkin costume on. How could I stay mad?


When we got to Sarah’s party I noticed Chase Lentil hustling over to our uber alone.


“Hey! Ryan, Axel, wait up for a second boys.. Is it alright if I go in with you guys,” Chase asked humbly.


Ryan and I just stood there for a second. We both knew it wasn’t a good idea. Chase is a kind of quirky kid and he clearly showed up to Sarah’s uninvited. I mean, he didn’t even have a costume on or anything. He just showed up wearing Levi denim jeans and a collared shirt from Kmart.


“I don’t know if that’s a good idea Chase… maybe you should just ask her when you get to door,” I offered.


Chase didn’t say anything he just gave me a sad look. We all knew he wasn’t going to get let in naturally like that. But both Ryan and I really didn’t want to be the subject of blame for Chase being let in the party. I truly felt bad for him though, even though he was a little weird, he genuinely was a nice person.


“Yeah sure man, you can come in with us,” Ryan piped up.


Chase’s eyes glimmered when Ryan gave him permission to follow us in the party. I was beginning to question Ryan’s judgement but I decided to keep my mouth shut when I saw how excited Chase got. I wouldn’t doubt it if this was Chase’s first party, and to be honest this was a pretty big one. At least 80 people it seemed like. I wouldn’t be surprised if nobody even knew Chase was there.


“Okay Chase when we go in just stay behind us but very close, alright,” I told him.


Chase nodded and we caught back up with Veronica, Miranda, and the triplets as they headed up the long round driveway. Miranda and the triplets didn’t seem to notice that Chase was behind us, but Veronica shot Ryan and I a mean glare when she noticed him. She didn’t say anything though and everything went according to plan as one of Sarah’s friends opened the door for us to come inside with Chase huddle behind us.